Transmission

Family. Haha it's fun being us again! It's weird and I longer care. That's life and I love it.

2010-12-04T01:41:00.001-08:00

Family. Haha it's fun being us again! It's weird and I'm no longer

2010-12-04T01:41:00.000-08:00

2009-04-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

We're all better than we think we are, dont let someone elses insecurities bring out your own, know that youre beautiful and that you deserve everything. Or at least fake it till you make it

2009-04-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

(forgive the grammar errors, i dont have the patience to care)

I feel like a dying artist, somber melodies playing in a silent room barely touched by the fading light from the sun. Work desk cluttered with a mixture of memorabilia and assorted candy trapped in orange bottles with white caps, giving you not a sugar rush but a relief from days of pain. Waves of uneasy chills roll up and down my body without stopping forcing me to wear gloves, old sweatshirts and baggy sweatpants. The house is an empty one family is gone doing what they do best, entertaining everybody but themselves. Do not misunderstand my meaning, there is no grip of melancholy feelings here, just observations. I will not let this slow me down, infection breaksdown the body, not the soul. i promise you this, an illustration i will have by the end of this day, one that will bring tears of love not of sorrow.

2009-03-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

I keep people at a distance so that they cant hurt me but you've snuck in. Youre here and as much as i want to keep you out with everyone else, i just cant, i hate this feeling. I cant sleep without thinking of you, think of anything else but you or talk to people wishing that it was you. Goddammit, i feel like a 13 year old girl with a highschool crush. I told myself constantly im not a relationship person, i dont need anybody and the only thing i need in my life is my work but all that means nothing now, all i can think about is you. UGH FML. I wish i didnt feel this way but im so happy that i do.

2009-02-09T21:33:00.001-08:00

the things that have been making me angry have been completely my fault

2009-02-09T01:42:00.000-08:00

(Karl Lagerfeld)

I've been thinking for the past couple of months that i want to be the next Karl Lagerfeld, genius in the subjects of fashion design (Chanel), photography and art all together. He i sloved by everyone and there is not one person in the world who wouldnt agree that he is the master at what he does. His only love in life is his work which makes him single and if that were my fate i would take it because i love those three fields that much.

However. I just finished watching Nick and Norah's infinite playlist.

Ridiculous huh? But just hear me out. I know i've always been a firm believer in love and a hopeless romantic. These past two months i think i know why i havent found any person who interests me, its because i closed my heart to people and opened it to art, music, fashion and such. I dont want to go too far into it, but i do know that Im young right now and i will not always be young. So, Karl my friend, you can wait for now because right now love is tugging at me and i think it would be wise to follow it.

We're young. Why are we going to deny our hearts love? For what? Partying? Sex? If you had the opportunity to fall in love, wouldnt you take it? Just remember, the only person stopping you from finding love is you. Open your hearts and you will find exactly what you want.

2009-02-04T00:33:00.000-08:00

(POTD; we've been together so long i was still fat, krysta still had short hair and kai still shaved her legs)

Today was such a blur, it was supposed to be another day making fun of each other and just making jokes about nothing. Instead our day consisted of blood, cuts, bruises, broken glass, a totaled car and three best friends sitting on the side of the freeway in silence.

I dont really want to talk about the accident, i just want to say that someone has his or hand on us because we couldve gotten hit by so many cars after we spun and hit the divider, we could be dead, so many things couldve happened, but they didnt.

This was actually kind of a wake up call for me, now i know why i call my best friends my best friends. Kai and Krysta made it impossible for me to freak out after the accident because after all the damage physical and emotional, the only thing we could think of is kais phone chilling on the floor in the freeway and boba sticking to krystas hair. Joe and Erwin, you know i wouldnt want anybody but you two there, you guys really take care of me. Just remember what you have everyone because what we want is usually what we already have, we just cant see it.

25

2009-02-03T01:03:00.000-08:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I lost 70 pounds in one year.

2. I go through a pack of cigarettes every other day.

3. I party all the time but dont drink, weird right?

4. I was almost killed in my sleep 2 years ago by gang members, my sister saved my life.

5. I am 1/4 spanish, not mexican.

6. My brother and sisters who are 4 or 5 years older than me go to me for advice.

7. I couldnt get my license because i had a warrant for my arrest, i probably still have it.

8. I dont lie, trust me, i dont lie.

9. I've had 3 piercings, too bad i took them all out.

10. I smile in the car when my friends arent looking because i really enjoy being with them doing nothing.

11. I got employee of the month at Pinkberry my first month working there, then i quit.

12. I still hug my mom, kiss her on the cheek and say "i love you mommy" and she responds with, "shut up" but i know thats how she says "i love you too"

13. Everybody goes to me with their problems, they might think it pisses me off but i enjoy helping people realize things.

14. Im never my real self around anyone except my family.

15. I talk to my dog like shes a real person, i tuck her into bed, ask her to kiss me (and she does it), and tell her i love her.

16. Sometimes i hold a pillow and pretend its a person before i sleep.

17. I used to be one of the best YUGIOH players in the valley, i came second in a tournament.

18. I've tried playing video games, i get bored after 10 minutes but i can be on myspace for hours.

19. I only eat with chopsticks now.

20. Honestly, i have so many friends that come and go but Kai and Joe will always be by my side even when we move away from each other. GAY MOMENT OVER.

21. When i was younger i used to take sand from my sandbox home, i kept it in my shoes, my mom asked my why i did that and i said, "i want a sandbox in our house"

22. My friends dont know how much they mean to me.

23. I've been stabbed in the back by a friend, LITERALLY, RENE STABBED ME IN 5th GRADE DURING SATs!

24. Sometimes I imagine what im going to write in my autobiography.

25. Currently im writing in a journal, im writing my thoughts of love, life and everything in between. When i finish it im going to leave it on a train and its going to say on the cover, "read me then pass me on" im not even lying.

2009-02-02T23:59:00.000-08:00

(POTD; i want a cherry blossom tree)

For some reason, I feel no passion about anything anymore
Is that bad?

2009-02-01T01:44:00.000-08:00

(POTD; oh to be in love)

Truth time. Everyday when i get home from a night out with my friends, a long day at school, a family outing with my 5 family members, an amazing party, a night clubbing or a day of errands, i go home, change into pajamas, turn off the lights, climb into bed, cover myself in blankets, grab a pillow and hold it in my arms and pretend, i pretend that its the person i am going to love and i pretend that im holding them, keeping them warm, protecting them from the world, helping them sleep, making them feel loved, taking away their doubt, their insecurities and finally allow them to just let go and feel what they want to feel and be whoever they want to be without any pretenses. I hold this pillow and pretend it is the one person i will never let go of, i pretend and smile and close my eyes and sleep happy.

I wake up in the morning and see that it is just a pillow.
I wake up in the morning and see that its not real.
I wake up in the morning and i sigh.
I wake up in the morning and sigh.

2009-01-30T02:07:00.001-08:00

(POTD; Chrissie White Photography. i call it the window to the soul)

The most beautiful things in life can be found when not looking for anything at all. Why do we constantly soul search? Not just for love but for, well, anything at all. Why do we squint our eyes so hard to find things when our vision is best when we relax our eyes? If "everything we've been searching for is right under our noses", why do we always force ourselves to search and search for things we KNOW is already at our fingertips? Does our mind know its there but our hearts long for something else? Or quite possibly it is out heart that knows its there but our mind chooses to look for something more than what it needs. Gluttony doesnt stop at food or spending, it can also take over the most beautiful part of life, love. Before you make a choice as to what you "need", ask yourself, is this more than i need? Or is it simply what i want?

2009-01-27T03:21:00.001-08:00

(POTD ; River of Light)

Boredom isnt always a bad thing, well i believe so at least. When bored you discover new things, imagine impossible probabilities and ponder reality. Light in the greatest darkness is one of the most beautiful things to me, LITERALLY, its pitch black ad all i see is my laptop screen. Maybe thats what my designs have no color, it could also be because i conceptalize at night where all i see is black and white. I dont want to escape, i just want to see different parts of the world. I want to see Asia in its night life, i wanna tour europe and its architechture, i want to visit the jungle but travel by jeep and i want to smell the fields in a Safari, all while listening to my IPOD, music can take something so normal and change it into something everlasting.

2009-01-24T01:48:00.000-08:00

(POTD; i need some serenity)

I feel enlightened. Everything is so simple. There are no questions, simply answers. No problems, only solutions. There are no accidents.

Anything is possible, if we believe it is possible.

2009-01-22T01:58:00.000-08:00

(POTD; All ive been doing is sketching lately, no these arent mine)

Apologies for the lack of updates, i've been lazy, sucks to be you. Like always the days seem to meld together, washout and eventually become a forgotten memory. Nothing about life excites me besides the fact that school is coming to an end forever. Love is something i talk about constantly and yet whenever i get the chance to fall in love i push it away like a kid pushing away ice cream after having eaten ten bowls prior. You know you want it and yet you can bring yourself to give it even the slightest taste. My social life seems to be grabbing at me; IMs, texts, phonecalls all with opportunities to actually go out and do something and yet i ignore them or respond with an excuse. There is no inspiration anymore, are our days as creative innocent lovely souls over? Can we kiss our ideal lives away and trade them in for a 9-5 job? Whats more important? Food on the table or love in the heart? Most people can answer that without hesitation. I have yet to answer.

PS 3 days without meat. No, i dont miss it. No im not joining the vegetarian fad, i've been traumatized ever since my foot injury caused by a high protein diet. Fuck that, soymilk is my favorite protein anyway.

2008-12-23T17:06:00.000-08:00

dreams can be cruel teachers. last night i had a dream of being happy with someone again, then i woke up practically in tears. perhaps i miss actually being happy with someone rather than pretending to be happy by myself. we all need somebody to love.

2008-12-23T03:31:00.000-08:00

ive spent so much money today, i should rename myself kai. anyway what is the true cripple in life? needing something or wanting something? today or should i say tonight is such a journey to the past, my mind can only comprehend so much of what my heart is recalling, but the brain sends stronger signals than the beats of the heart.

2008-12-19T03:15:00.000-08:00

Im too lazy to upload a picture. So my last final is in a couple of hours, weeee. Anyway, today i accomplished my goal i woke up at 9:30 errrr 9:50 :] i went to my sisters job to pick up a paycheck, went to WAMU, went to Forever 21, Walmart, WAMU AGAIN -__-, Rosegreen, Red Mango, McDonalds then home. I just realized, i cause a rukus everywhere i go, most people might think im just an uncivilized kid laughing out loud and doing whatever i want but, im just tired of always having to be this person that society deems normal. So what if i like to laugh out loud, so what if i like saying things in my mind out loud? SO WHAT. If we cant spend any moment in our lives being ourselves, when can we do it? BTW i was such a fatass today, tomorrow is gonna be a light day!!! That is my goal, maybe i'll just create goals fo myself everyday, am i up to the challenge? yes i am!
BTW fucking MDMA is watering down my vocabulary but not my creativity. YEEE

LAST THING, my dream last night was so AWKWARD i just have to share it with you! So the first part of my dream, i was in a competition, like real world/roadrules "the gauntlet" but it was set in space and its just me and some guy. so basically hes winning the race in the beginning, then i start to win it, then i forget i had to do a certain section so hes ahead again, then he gets some gold belt that you need to win and bring to the finish line, so i see that and try to go ahead of him, he tries spitting on the stairs so ill slip? but you will not fool me gypsy, so i jump over it, he follows me and so i wanna win so bad i beat the living shit out of him ....... o.O i take the belt and all my friends are randomly there shaking their head in disappointment, whatever, last obstacle sean from Glendale is in front of the finish line and i have to pass him? idk. so i transfer to the next dream and im @ FIDM except fidm inside looks like SGHS and outside looks like what the gossip girl school looks like in my head? anyway, so i go through this one area in the school and i see that cunt whitney port from the hills filming so i just walk around it and she looks at me and i roll my eyes at her (WHICH IS SOMETHING I REALLY WOULD DO!!). so i take my break outside and smoke, whatever, i go back in the building that connects to my school and find that my school looks like it LITERALLY got up and walked away, so im like......WTF ASSHOLES IS IT BECAUSE I ROLLED MY EYES AT WHITNEY?! SHIT! so im pissed and so are other people trying to get to class, so we're just in the park thats on the campus (there actually is one in real life attached to the school) and for some reason there is a bomb that goes off in the park -__- so im like oh great so i duck and cover in a pond? when i get up its over and i have a bunch of nails and screws lodged into my arms and legs -__- so the rest of my dream im just pulling them out and thinking, damn you whitney port, im not gonna watch your new show. THE END (sorry if it was tl;dr AKA "too long; didnt read")

2008-12-18T04:12:00.000-08:00

it is 4:12AM and i will wake up at 9:30AM. im tired of waking up at 3pm, the only place sleeping in got me is a headache and a wasted day.

2008-12-18T03:27:00.000-08:00

(POTD; elle and porcha wedding)

Insomnia really is a blessing and a curse, just like everything else in life you take the good along with the bad. I know today is just like every other day but i can really feel myself getting older in this moment, not physically but mentally and spiritually, its actually not as bad as i thought it would be. Sometimes i feel like more and more people are being cut out of my life, not intentionally but because of schedules. The saddest part of it all is that during graduation we all promised walking down the isle and receiving your diploma did not mean walking out of the graduation ceremony and out of each others lives, i believe that ever person you meet in life from your best friend to that one awkward classmate that you never talked to, makes an impact in your life, i know we've heard it said a million times but at this moment i can honestly say i see it, i feel it and now, i believe it. Maybe instead of taking everyone in your life for granted, treat them for their worth in your life, because even though you spent 12 years seeing them everyday, one day can mean not seeing them ever again. Time may fly by, but friendships dont have to.

2008-12-16T02:01:00.000-08:00

(POTD; i put christmas lights in my room, come on its legit)

It seems as if time starts to meld together when we get to this point in our lives, goal in sight, so close you can almost hear the graduation fanfare. Im not going to lie, i am going to miss FIDM, im gonna miss showing off my art and designs and being smug about it, if you cant be like that at school, where can you be like that? I love walking to school from the train, i love sitting on the steps in the front wearing my freshest gear and smoking a cigarette, nothing about FIDM makes you feel like you are going to school, you feel like youre at work, homework is assignments, teachers are bosses and classmates are coworkers. Sure i complain and complain about the lauren conrad clones walking around with their louis vuitton bags but, if they werent there, how fun would it be? Without their useless spending of mommy and daddys money, i would feel like im going to a fashion school now would i?

Aside from all that, im so excited to recieve my Christmas money, i usually get close to 300$ and that is enough for grey jeans and black jeans and a new pair of kicks, oh that reminds me im picking up a pair for 15$ on wednesday, come on, thats Legit (ill post the picture of the shoes under the post). I cant believe how much i WAA WAA about this weather and making me lonely, im not lonely, im actually perfectly happy, i dont need someone to make me feel what i already do, if i've lived this long without "needing" somebody, whats another year or two?

2008-12-10T02:54:00.000-08:00

(POTD; christmas is such a blur. not my picture)

that time of year is right around the corner, students are finishing up finals, out of towners are buying tickets back home, parents are rearranging their work schedules to fit family time in and those who feel alone feel more alone than ever. what is it with this time of year and making people yearn for comfort, love and affection? most of us cannot complain that we are all alone during the holidays but you can never understand a persons situation until you are actually in it, you can be in a house with 5 other people and go enjoy christmas dinner with your immense family and yet still feel like there is no real connection that you feel with anybody. personally i feel as if every person in my life has that person they can connect with, their girlfriend, their bestfriend since they were in diapers or that one cousin that has been there with you since your very first heartache. i've never had that connection with anybody, sure i do have very close friends that i can tell anything to and will always be there but, it reaches a point where they can only understand so much. do we really have soulmates in our lives? that one person who can understand years of feeling just by hearing two or three words about the situation? i think most people have found their soulmates already, it might not be their husband or lover but having that person who can understand anything and everything you feel without any changes is a soulmate in my opinion. i dont think i have found that person yet, will it be a friend or someone i will share an intimate relationship with? i have yet to find that out. this is how i defined that feeling to a friend of mine, "you feel at peace but at the same time uneasy, like youre missing a crucial part of your life at that moment" hopefully one day i can feel complete, even for just a moment, then i can rest easy and have the satisfaction of knowing that for once, someone gets me, understands me and because of that, loves me.

2008-12-08T02:39:00.000-08:00

(POTD; club house with my favorites and the birth of ROBO JEFF)

Hello reader, sorry i havent updated in a while, ive been ~~busy~~ lazy, so here is whats going on, i have 2 more weeks left of classes, my schedule for next quarter is processed already, i have 1 client who wants a 2 piece garment and i think that about sums it up. Im doing fairly well, partying more than ever and thats always fun, however i have been reading into my actions more and more and ive come to realize, i sometimes manipulate people into doing things that i want, thats not very good, i need to cut that out. Other than that, i have a list of shoes that i want and my brother told me hes planning on moving out by summer so i have to room to myself!!! im so excited you have no idea, finally a room of my own, i already designed what its gonna look like, so i just gotta save up money and patience for my room to be opened up, trust, its gonna be kickin. Last thing, my birthday is coming up, need to plan for that shit too, need to find a venue, DJ, and guest list. Dinner at Manna, get a TAT with my sister and maybe a night trip to the beach. Im gonna make sure, this birthday will make up for my past 2 shitty ass birthdays, and since im doing it for myself not expecting others to do it, i think im gonna feel A WHOLE LOT BETTER about it, im passed the whole "i wanna suprise party" thing because, baby, im growing up.

2008-11-26T22:42:00.000-08:00

OMG this is the first time i GASPED when i saw a pair of shoes, i want these so bad. i know i say im not materialistic, but honestly i'll shop at a thrift shop for clothes but when it comes to shoes, im willing to pay hundreds for one pair, also, i dont buy just any shoes, im very picky and exclusive.

ANYWAY. i love this weather so much, i can just listen to jack johnson and chill my way into a coma. i aint gonna lie, im very excited for winter break, im just ready to chill with my friends everyday and get more than just 3-4 hours of sleep a night, homeboy needs his beauty rest ya feel me? i cant wait to be a designer, but i know i dont wanna stop there, my mind is too vast for just one outlet. i wanna be a fashion designer, i wanna create art, i wanna make shoes, bags and hats. i wanna do photography, interior design, i wanna make movies, i wanna be a DJ. i want to create trends, plan a wedding, plan events. SO many thing i want to do, 80 years of life is not enough for me, i just pray i can do AT LEAST one of each before i die, or be reincarnated into someone who has memories of his or her past life. however, it makes me think, remembering all the things ive done in my life, how much god outweighs the bad? looking at that, will i be reincarnated into a worm or a higher being? should i rethink the way i live my life to ensure when i am reborn, i get the longer end of the stick?

2008-11-26T02:43:00.001-08:00

usually i would stream out hundreds of inspiring lines about life, love and all that but for some reason i can't really decide what to talk about, nothing is really inspiring me besides the usual irritating things here and there but if these things irritate me, why would i publish them for all to see and therefore get irritated as well? anyway, what is it about this period in our lives that we cant seem to do much of anything or feel anything for that matter. we feel stuck between our teenage lives in high school where life was planned out, the only decision you had to make was, "what should i eat at lunch today?" where as in this period in our life, our decisions are so massive that we have no time to even do anything BUT make decisions, "should i take this class? should i change my major? is it worth dropping this class? where can i get a job? should i get a job?". im just waiting for this point in our lives to be over, the awkward phase between teenager and adult rules us all, lets refer to it as a "quarterlife crisis" because thats what it is, we feel trapped, useless, like drones in a factory going about a daily routine then going home not even being able to do anything afterward because exhaustion sets in and caffene wears off. im tired of partying, im tired of being broke all the time and im tired of not being in control of what i am doing! it may seem like we have control, but believe me, though we can make our own decisions, we have even less freedom then we did in high school. im just counting down the days.